Change being gradual and all, I’m not sure when this happened — but I’ve noticed that I relate to my husband differently than I used to. I’ve enjoyed him forever. Now, though, it’s easier to trust him. To respect him, I s’pose. When there’s a problem (whether against him or us), I’m more calm. When something comes against him, I know he’ll use sound judgment to fight it. I’m happy to be beside him, and I know he needs my help; but I’m not distracted with trying to feed my words to him, or “get him” to choose a certain course of action. I’m still me: I still want him to agree with me and see my logic as brilliant! Frankly. But I’m less restless, as long as I know he cares. Meanwhile, he has become better at loving and assuring me. Patience, apparently for us, is a learned and welcome virtue. (Eight years, baby!)
That said. Everybody feels stuck sometimes, right? Being stuck is human and worldly, in a disharmonious combo. We feel stuck. A long time ago, Jared decided to study science. He liked it, and he imagined it would offer a livable career. He graduated. He reasoned that a scientist with a 4-year degree was called a Lab Tech, whereas he sought a job with career possibility. So he got a Ph.D. As an aside, he married me in there. Along the way, we had two children, and I became a stay-at-home, now home-schooling, mom. Of all the things we reflect on, that’s what we don’t regret. Good decision. Taking care of your kids is solid. However. Now, as is the normal course, he’s in a post-doc. It’s not working out. My fellow still likes science; but he hates where it’s taken him. What does one do?
Education can be an idol. (There, I said it.) It can be a healthy tool for equipping. It can also be an idol, stealing sacrifice and worship without giving back. I think God will redeem this, and I think He has work for Jared to do. Meanwhile, idols seek to destroy the things God has instituted: Sabbath rest, covenant relationship, caring for family, reaching into community. Jared is doing a great job with what he has. But there’s a definite tension between what he wants and what his path wants. He’s known it, and tried to find around it, for years. Still looking (and waiting for some specific things), so I’ll keep you posted.
We have friends who might be at a crossroads. The Mrs. has a new degree, but doesn’t love her new job. If she were to have a baby, she would find it difficult to stay home, because they currently need her income. The Mr. has a job offer that would relocate them, but also afford the Mrs. to be home. My advise: don’t even turn back. Love your friends, say goodbye, and go build up your household. Cleave to each other. If you have the inkling to become parents, let it work! You don’t need any apology to build up your family, to love your spouse and your future kids.
This is so unpopular. But I have girlfriends in different places. Melissa wanted a higher degree, and was advised against accruing student debt since it collided with her vision of marriage and family. She took the advise, and now enjoys building up her small family. Camille stays home with her child and loves it, but feels occasionally sheepish that her husband is paying her student loans. Margie works while she’d rather be raising her baby, because she sees it as fiscally responsible. Tabitha and Celeste love the careers they’ve built as well as their children. They find ways to juggle the demands, and count the compromise. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent. And I’d like to remain among the innocent! Opening thoughts like these makes me nervous.)
I don’t know how to sum up prettily. I guess to say that advanced education is often gloried, but it can be an illusion. At this point, Jared would trade his diploma in for the ability to enjoy his work and his family. He’s a hard-working guy, but too much has been sacrificed. So many men and women emerge with great careers and sunken families. The choices we make today truly do matter.
