It was an inkling. I don’t remember when or how it first seemed a possibility: maybe when I started a new study group last fall, and heard a woman casually introduce herself.
Around that same time, I started becoming excited about the idea of going back to school. Jared was graduating, my little ones were growing — there seemed to me a bud of opportunity. I prayed about it. I heard a distinct No. My Father was saying I couldn’t do this (college) while doing that (inkling) at the same time. I didn’t even know that was serious! I knew there were problems with the current system, but that. Hmm. So I talked with my husband, and we decided I would start researching while he finished up his degree.
The more I read, the more excited I got. And conflicted. Sometimes I wrestled, trying to measure which was the “right” solution: the current, or the possible? I was squirming in my seat over dissatisfaction with the current system. Jared advised that I step back and remember what I liked most about it. So I read a book about how the current came to be, and my affections were newly inspired. I also took a break from research. During that time, God settled my thoughts and, most importantly, re-focused my heart. My success isn’t about finding the right system and pledging allegiance to it. My success is in Him. We can’t add to grace, and neither can we limit the reach of God. I’m still trying to let that really soak in.
So here we are. The end of January, 2011, Jared and I had our post-doctoral talk about Noah’s education. I’m sometimes asked if this will extend to Braeden. It certainly may, but I want to take things one step at a time, and remain malleable. We decided to take our homeschool research to the next level. Move past theorizing, and into implementing.
After I update y’all here, my first writing assignment is to outline everything I want homeschool to be, and not be; the things that are preferred but not urgent; the things that are so urgent they’re worth starting a homeschool to begin with; the things I can see me and/or Noah falling into and will work to guard against; the things I should try to lighten up about; the things I feel clueless about; the things I’m already girded up and ready to jump for.
Like last year when I started, I find myself teetering from being exhilarated one minute to scared the next. When I consider the void in Noah’s current situation, and how simple my solution to fill it… I can’t possibly mess this up! But… what if I mess this up?! Oh, the bliss and challenge of taking things one day at a time. Carry out today, with purpose, with love, and pave one more step for tomorrow. It’ll come, one way or the other. Might as well have a brick laid out for it. And without sharing my bullet points yet, that’s perhaps my strongest motivator. Noah’s tomorrow is already here. Tomorrow’s tomorrow is around the corner. I want to expect it, to prepare for it. To welcome it.
Ok, so what is the “inkling”? And what exactly is sweet Noah doing at school that has you worried?
Inkling is that homeschooling may be a reasonable situation for us. That felt big to accept, even as a possibility. Noah’s doing pretty well. Some recent behavior problems, but they seem to be quieting. I’ll write soon about the why and what for details. Or we can talk before that!